Damn it!!

I'm not much of a landscaping designer, but will try. Can't get plants to cast shadows.

Dear journal:

-today i twisted my left angle. I was so clumsy and almost trip down the stair. I didn't realized the steps were so short.
-went to some business meeting
-This renders are due tomorrow

last night, i went down to Mesa to meet an old friend with Jay. Of course we were lost, Mesa must be in a different time zone, at 7 pm there were still millions of cars on the road. , I Reminisce about all the time i spent down there. I remember clearly all the road and all the stores i passed by. I went by the library next to a pond, where we were looking for a duck, walking around being bored together... i remember all the streets that we drove on, the road to the wedding, the Walgreen, the road we took to get to that pizza place, I saw the Movie theatres where we saw our last movie together. I can't help but to feel a little sad, Those were good memories, and thats all that's left of it...damn,


I need to find a place with pretty desert flowers and vegatations so that i may take pictures for our renders. ...now where the heck do i start, maybe i ll check out the Botanical Garden this week end. But i got to head to Tucson this saturday morning, so much to do , so little times.

"there are no my other half out there that will complete me, i complete my self."

Octlove

Something i wish i had.

Its fun to change things up a bit, the concept is interesting, get me thinking about doing other similar ideas. I think that suppose to be a chick? I think i may draken the background even more. but for now, its pretty good. i put in approximately 2.5 hours. I try to use minimal colors that way its not so over colorful. All thanks to Carol for the original concept.
Original drawing done by Carol at www.carolroque.com and www.brokeneyeball.blogspot.com
with her permission i did my own twisted version of the one above. spent about two hours on this one. will finish the greay scale tonight and mask in colors tomorrow. Cheers.!!

Colors Perception test

a bigger render

I'm all rendered out tonight. A displacement map was added for the gravel.

Those are the same exact render, except the one on top have the back ground activated. To me the top image seems a bit more vibrate in colors, even though it is exactly the same as the buttom. damn it, and i wasted almost 2 hours trying to figure whats wrong with this program....This is why when i paint i do not paint with pure black or pure white back ground. If you paint the main elements first then paint the secondary element next, I usually have the tendency to want to go back and change colors of the main elements to match the background.....Well...damn,
from now on, im writing for the sake of getting better...at writing.

let see...today, I woked up at 9 am. Made a cup of tea and sat out in the patio and enjoy the morning sun shine for a bit. Thought about what i could of had for breakfest, jump on the computer and did this the entire day. Oh boy , i Need a second computer for sure. Hopefually this will pick up and i will save my earning for a dual quad core computer. that way instead of waiting 10 mins for a render, i only have to wait 2 mins. I want to get another monitor too, a 24" lcd would be nice. Well, If we are to be extremely busy that would be great, I can forget about everything else and just focous on working and saving, so that i may leave this place. I want to go to a land where everyone know my name, where every waves at me where ever i go. I was so used to that when i was living in Hawaii and in Thailand. I like living in a small town where everyone is friends. One time i had a flat tire while riding my bike home between town. as i stand there on the side of the road with the bike turned upside down and me trying to see where the holes are at. A stranger pull of the road and offers me a ride, he offered me a ride home. i was so greatful, I had no idea who he was, but it did made me very happy to know that there are still nice people out there. another time i was out hiking down this long and steep road somewhere in Waimea Canyon..and it was quite a ways to get to Waimea. Another truck stop by and offered me a ride too. it was so nice, now i feel like returning that favor to other needy strangers. but in this town you ll have to watch who you pick up to give rides to..most of the time you rather not, because bad things may happen...many times i wonder..what if that person really needed that ride? what if that person deserved my help...its living in this environment that turns me into this jerks, like everyone else....I m leaving, moving to a small town. it would be nice to be able to live in a small town and be able to hook up with big jobs from big cities. Just work at home and enjoy a quite life with a dozen cats and a few dogs, i like to have a pair of wolfs and a bunch of cats running around in my back yard. Maybe i ll get lucky and meet a nice girl again one day. I think i like to have four kids. 4 would be perfect, two girls and two boys. I have one girl's name pick out too..sigh...back to work

more drawing

I didnt' know what to draw so i spent an hour on this. Last night i meet a girl with ears poking though her hair and thought it was cute, so i included it in my doodle. I will refines the idea more as i think about it. this one is related to Pedestal of Despair. I'm ashame of my anatomy....its way off. This is when a girl friend would come in handy.

I try to get to bed early so that i may dream.(that's probably the only exciting thing in my life right now ) Too bad i can't stay forever. Last night I dreamed that i meet a girl of my dream, it felt so...awesome, so real, not this bullshit real world crap, she sincerely love me with all her hearts and i felt the same way...but then tragics strikes, she died. sigh, thats worst then any nightmares i had. Maybe I will have better dream tonight.

Old Memories

trying to understand the logics of human Psychology. It's focinating to try and figured out why people act a certain way. Even better, trying to understand why I act or react certain ways. I don't want to sound like i know what i m talking about, but alot of things we will do based on the event of what happened are predictable. There are millions of posibility....right now I'm trying to undertand what lack of self esteem and feeling of insecurity can lead a person to do, and most importantly what effects it has on me.

my lack of self esteem.
-I think no one likes me
-that leads me to being really quite around large crowd.
-Not wanting to go out
-lead me to not have many friends.

I was like that for most of my life. It's really hard for me to open up to anyone. There were days at school when i would walk around with out saying a word to anyone. I'm always that quite kid that sits in the back. I usually sit in class during break and day dreams about somethign else. I try to go out and socialize with circle of friends out in the break area, but never really fit in or had anything interesting to say, so what's the point of me being there anyways. I want to be identify as Chatree, Not the guy that can DRAW!! I hate that. That's why most of the time I dont like to show my art work to anyone. I do used it as a tool to get people intersted in me every now and then. Alot of times I wonder if anyone would actually wants to talk to me if the art side of me cease to exist. I would have to depend on my social skills, It was so much easier to make friends when you're a kid. I remember back in Thailand I used to move so much, I didn't have a chance to make many new friends. I would meet new people but nothing ever last long becuse we had to move. Growing as a child was rough, my family filled apart. my dad was a lieing ,cheating, bastard. We lived in a small village called Sogali, Even with all that happening my mom managed to raise me and my sister. then from ages 6-10 i was sent to live with my grandmother on my dad's side. that's where all my bad memories begins, abusive aunt, i was left alone, no one cared, I was a leftover(that's the worst feeling ever, knowing you're nothing but a leftover), i remember crying day and day until i can't cry nomore wishing i could go home, i remember not having anyone to go cry to. I remember my cousin and there family throwing birth day parties for their kids and me wishing i could have one. I remember wearing raggy cloth that was donate to me by my cousins. I remember wanting many toys. I remember i was beat many time by my aunt. (recently she apolgized for what she did to me) I remember everything, mainly the sad part. I remember everyone looked down on our family, I rememeber wanting to go back and ask my aunt why she was so mean to me. I remember seeing my dad hitting my mom, I remember in his drunken rage he tries to eat glass. I remember spending a few days at his mistress house. but most importantly I remember seeing my mom cry .I know those are just memories of the past, but they do mold you into the person that you are today. there are many memories i dont like to share with anyone, now i just try to accept why thing are the way they are, but as a kid the first 10 years of your life it's so impoartant. only good memories should you form. All is not lost, just when i thought my life couldn't get any worst, My mom came along and rescue me. we moved to tucson for about 3 months, there I had a chance to make a few friends, but then we moved to Hawaii for several years. There I remember making tons of friends. I remember being really happy for the first time in a very long time, it was while i was in 5th and 6th grade. I actualy made friends, I knew everyone and eveyone knew me, it doesn't matter if you are a boy or a girl. it was all just fun and play . and i was back with my mom and my sister where i belong, it was so much easier to make friends then. now people judges you before they even meet you. .....I know those are just the past, and i did learn alot from it, i know for sure that i could never treat any kid like the way i was treated. ...more later.

awhile ago, the aunt that i kinda lived with , yes that one that physically and emotionally abused me. asked my mother if she could sent her daughter here to go to school or something along that line or was asking for money.., I laughed, and simplely told my mom to tell her, I'm sorry i can not help you. well i guess what i really wanted to say was , not in your life time..bitch!! Its people like you that makes me wants to ....punch something...go fuck your self!!. My real dad, even had the nerve to ask my family for money, and my uncles and his wife even asked to "barrow" money "to open a store" they used to talk so much crap about our family and now they re asking for help. oh well, no time to worry about them now, those were nothing but the past. we all have had problems. those past memories effects me in ways i myself can't fully explain. It does make me feel an outcast and alone alot. being i was that way for 4 years. . but its all in my mind. I just got to get out and meet new people. Nothing Can't be fix. The past is the past..just let it be.
-Lack of skills
-

funny quote.

"they like to play games and get many guys wanting them so they can make up for their lack of self esteem"

I dream of becoming better at writing.

Still testing

still messing with HDRI lighting.

test render suck up alot of time, this one toook 1.8 hours to render.

Pedestal of Despair 2

She is sad because she has no arms...heh, just kiding. D-Oh!! i can draw ok, but i can't write well. the hair suppose to express her emotions. She is sad, she feels alone on the pedestal, she feels no one in the world cares about her, she feels trap because she can't move(not literally, ie- she feels trap in this world), other then the pose she is in, she can't express any emotions(another trap) (Its true that artist draw out their emotions and those are feelings i posses at the moment...!!!!, those are feelings of insecurity we all come across at some point in our life, but in truth everyone around her love and care so much about her) , so the only way to understand her emotions is to see the motions in her hairs. the motions suppose to show elegents and liveliness in humans feelings. when it stop flowing, then you know she is no longer there. i wrapped the hair around her to act as a kind of shield, so to speak, "to protect her" I too have build up a "shield" to protect myself, emotionally...lol, yes, im just making shit up, but feel free to leave me any of your interpretations...I thik her neck need to be longer, but what do i know!

in other news, job coming in = $$$$$$ = Happy Chatree = VACATION. Now to get that mind of my out of that gutter!!!!

Random interpertations.

Mysterious said...

When you look at this peice of work, the feelings of sorrow and sadness comes to life. Even though the piece itself is drawn to interpret those specific emotions, there is another element that brings it more to life. That element being the state of mind the artist was in during his production of this particular piece. It's as if you can visibly see the sadness within the heart of its creator seep out through his hands and onto canvas. Every stroke or hair defined an element of sadness while every color heighten it's level of sorrow. The hair being blown in the wind and flailing about in unpredicted directions, seem to tell a short lived tale of love and life and its progession to either a happy story or a horrible ending. The figure herself being the one embracing all her past events, whether great or tragic, has no choice but to carry her own burdens and continue the journey of which we call life. Being a person who has lived through trial and error, I feel as if I can empathize with her. Making me realize to remember, live, and learn from the past to make my future a more comfortable time to live. That should be the reason we all shed tears, embrace who we are, and continue through the journey of existance.

Pedestal of Despair

new drawing

Fun Pictures

I like classic stuff

I want M16

Snipping is fun, if i can actually hit anything

Oouchhh! my jaw

Snap!!

Friday night fever

Go Crazy!!

I haven't drawn anything in 2 days and its driving me KukuKaka!!!!! Must keep the hands moving......

2043

ready for ...next stage.

Reading blue prints can be so confusing sometime..

Still going

I'm sure you all are tired of seeing this but heh, here goes anyways. enjoy.

Happy Valentine

Random drawing

minor update.

I added a little bit more back ground elements. to be honest with you i dont know what to put in the back ground. the contrast are all off between the two main object. any comments are welcome . All those 400+ hours i put into life drawings actually starting to pay off. another 2 hours is added to this drawing that = to about 4 hours so far. i probably aim to not spent more then 8 hours on the drawing before i take it to colors

I can't stop drawing...

gahhh! its like doing drug....somebody take my drawing tablet away from me......!!!!!!
This is a rough right now, still thinking of what to put in the background..he's suppose to be holding a human head. I may have alot of things going on in the background... My inspiration is RETURNING> !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111

Crash

Still working on it, hope you guys like it. Thank you for looking.:)

MORE addiction

A slightly touches up version.

Horrey!!!! I Finally found the perfect tool. I love it. I love the lose lines and free flowing feel.

I was bored and thought i draw something I normally don't do, There is several meaning s behinds it, but i will leave it to your imaginations.

The samurai is suppose to be me, heh, and the girl.. I leave that to your imaginations

Started messing around with another tool in Painter and found it to be very responsive. I do enjoy the looser lines style feel, unfinish look. It's hopefully obvious whats about to happen. I love this program, but i should really get back to drawing with pencils soon. I like to messs with oil...

How very odd.

Jay and I went out tonight to a club, for the past couple of days we've been partieing it up quite a bit. He's been a big help though tough time for the past months. its beens a little strange. Jay's trying to introduce me to one of his female friend. She seems like really nice, only a few years younger. Seems like we share alot of the same interests. Now all I have to do is..bahh, don't even remember what to say anymore. all this ..blah blah blah, i like you , do you like me? i wish i canjust cut to the chase, and just be like ..hey, you seem like a nice girl, you want to go out and see where things go from there? not this girly girl stuff......i wonder if she likes me.?
Tonight I also managed to pick up another girls numbers, strange, I think it was the suit I was wearing that helped out. But it may have attracted them to me for the wrong reasons. they probably thought that i was loaded or something. well she sounded sincere enough. She told me "don't take my numbers if you not planing on calling me" I said I would and well, i woudn't be much of a man if i don't. She was actually a very atttractive young woman...maybe a little too young..I try to stay away from those yongster this days. Never the less, it won't hurt to just meet new people.

Quick Sketch

Needed a break from 3d today, so i decided to do a quick drawing, spend about 2 hours on this one in Painter.

Interesting read

funny stuff, guess every guys/girls went though this. Let's see, which one have I done far.
(√)I'm sorry
that i bought you roses to tell you that i like you

(√)I'm sorry
That I was raised with respect not to sleep with you when you were drunk

(√)I'm sorry
That my body's not ripped enough to "satisfy" your wants

I'm sorry
that I open your car door, and pull out your chair like I was raised

(√)I'm sorry
That I'm not cute enough to be "your guy"

(√)I'm sorry
That I am actually nice; not an asshole

(√)I'm sorry
I don't have a huge bank account to buy you expensive things

I'm sorry
I like to spend quality nights at home cuddling with you, instead of at a club

(√)I'm sorry
I would rather make love to you then just f**k you like some random guy.

(√)I'm sorry
That I am always the one you need to talk to, but never good enough to date

(√)I'm sorry
That I always held your hair back when you threw up,and didn't get mad at you for puking in my car, but when we went out you went home with another guy

I'm sorry
That I am there to pick you up at 4am when your new man hit you and dropped you off in the middle of nowhere, but not good enough to listen to me when I need a friend

(√)I'm sorry
If I start not being there, and being used as a door mat, only to be thrown to the side when the new asshole comes around

I'm sorry
If I don't answer my phone anymore when you call, to listen to you cry for hours, instead of getting a couple hours of sleep before work

(√)I'm sorry
that you can't realize.. I've been the one all along.

(√)I'm sorry
If you read this and know somebody like this but don't care But most of all

(√)I'm sorry
For not being sorry anymore

(√)I'm sorry
That you can't accept me for who I am

(√)I'm sorry
I can ever do anything right, and nothing that I do is good enough to make it in your world.

I'm sorry
I caught your bf with another girl and told you about it, I thought that was what friends were for...

(√)I'm sorry
That I told you I loved you and actually meant it.

I'm sorry
That I talked to you for nine hours on Thanksgiving when your bf was threatening you instead of spending time with my family.

(√)I'm sorry
That i cared

(√)I'm sorry
that I listen to you at night talk about how you wish you could have done something different.

Need a super computer

Test render takes forever...but at least the models and unwrapped , now just textures..

I may contact this contract work for anothe children's illustrations book, but not sure if all my inspiration have return yet..

Hello! Hello!

I wonder if anyone actually come to this place.. Hello!!

6PP Rendering, Dude!

Test render in Max using Vray, While converting to Max there were some issue with some of the gemeotry as you can see with the black shapes in the render. I already fix it. Still doing lots of test render. Auto unwrap in Maya is so much easier then anything else in max..Still have much to learn. Just got the door, the roof tiles and unwrap and this baby is done. well textues too.

This is the clean up version of the old house. So far only 29051 faces = 58239 tris pretty damn low :P

The actual house itself

Attepting to finish this house tonight, unwrap and texture too.

I don't know anymore..

Sigh...The more I draw, the more I realized how little tallents I have...Well, I better not quit my day job for sure... I rarely whine about my art work, but as of late I'd been feeling pretty blue about it. Maybe I just need people to tell me how ok my drawings are. Maybe I should get back to 3D modeling for a while. ..there's something missing..oh wait...I think its call inspirations..or i could just stop whining..

I rather be a beach bums in Hawaii.

Still learning

My very first Acrylic painting. Its pretty rudimentary but thankfully things can only get better ..at least for most people, hopefully I'm in that mojority group. My patient ran abit short as I had to wait for the colors to dry and the paper was getting wringgled, only spent 10 mins on it, but never the less still pretty fun. I'm dishing acrylics and jump right into oil sometime soon.

The Polysics

Tonight was great, we went to the Outhouse down in Tempe and watch Polysic; a Japanese rock band. I coudn't really make out what they were singing about but it sounded realy cool. I also got to meet some old friends and a lot of new faces. I guess my name still comes up in conversation among my old friends and old school mates. I got another friend who is interested in subcontracting some work to me, but we will see i guess. Tomorrow I have a blind date with a girl...well duh, I hope so. Just going to go out and catch some coffe maybe dinner, and see where things go from there. Don't really have any high hopes for anything but if i make new friends, great. I like to build up my individuality again. ..

"When you have a boyfriend, a lot of your individuality as a person can get lost in what becomes your definition as a couple. After a breakup, it may seem more difficult to regain your individuality, especially when everything seems to be connected to your relationship.

To regain that individuality, to get in touch with your single, fabulous self, do something you’ve always wanted to do." (http://www.lifescript.com)

Note: I actualy felt pretty good about myself tonight, its nice to just get out and meet new people, Its nice to know that my friends still thinks of me...at least some of them. I took a sec to look at my self in the mirror tonight and actually thought I was not a bad looking guy, just bad with certains things like, girls and love. Its funny sometime, when you caught a girl checking you out, (its almost like, wow! ummm...dont make me guess...because you re not sure if she's looking at you or some other guy behide you,) some girls stare away quickly when both of your eyes meet while others continues to stares at you shylessly. For now i just smiles back, Maybe one of this days i ll grow biggers balls and go up and talk to them...heh,

"Hi! What are you drinking? let me get you a drink?"

Semi old stuff

I think I was bored one day and decided to work on this one at school.

Perspective class assignment. It was quite enjoyable.

This one is not so easy, Mirroring an object using two points perspective. I try to do the reflections on the ground plan but it was too much work. I think I spent my entire weekend doing that one.

I love this houses.

Did this back in my Jr. year in high school, 1996. LOL, its pretty crappy. I think i ll redo it later.

While cleaning out my art junk bag, I found all this semi cool drawings. Its funny to look back at your own drawings sometime.