Old Memories

trying to understand the logics of human Psychology. It's focinating to try and figured out why people act a certain way. Even better, trying to understand why I act or react certain ways. I don't want to sound like i know what i m talking about, but alot of things we will do based on the event of what happened are predictable. There are millions of posibility....right now I'm trying to undertand what lack of self esteem and feeling of insecurity can lead a person to do, and most importantly what effects it has on me.

my lack of self esteem.
-I think no one likes me
-that leads me to being really quite around large crowd.
-Not wanting to go out
-lead me to not have many friends.

I was like that for most of my life. It's really hard for me to open up to anyone. There were days at school when i would walk around with out saying a word to anyone. I'm always that quite kid that sits in the back. I usually sit in class during break and day dreams about somethign else. I try to go out and socialize with circle of friends out in the break area, but never really fit in or had anything interesting to say, so what's the point of me being there anyways. I want to be identify as Chatree, Not the guy that can DRAW!! I hate that. That's why most of the time I dont like to show my art work to anyone. I do used it as a tool to get people intersted in me every now and then. Alot of times I wonder if anyone would actually wants to talk to me if the art side of me cease to exist. I would have to depend on my social skills, It was so much easier to make friends when you're a kid. I remember back in Thailand I used to move so much, I didn't have a chance to make many new friends. I would meet new people but nothing ever last long becuse we had to move. Growing as a child was rough, my family filled apart. my dad was a lieing ,cheating, bastard. We lived in a small village called Sogali, Even with all that happening my mom managed to raise me and my sister. then from ages 6-10 i was sent to live with my grandmother on my dad's side. that's where all my bad memories begins, abusive aunt, i was left alone, no one cared, I was a leftover(that's the worst feeling ever, knowing you're nothing but a leftover), i remember crying day and day until i can't cry nomore wishing i could go home, i remember not having anyone to go cry to. I remember my cousin and there family throwing birth day parties for their kids and me wishing i could have one. I remember wearing raggy cloth that was donate to me by my cousins. I remember wanting many toys. I remember i was beat many time by my aunt. (recently she apolgized for what she did to me) I remember everything, mainly the sad part. I remember everyone looked down on our family, I rememeber wanting to go back and ask my aunt why she was so mean to me. I remember seeing my dad hitting my mom, I remember in his drunken rage he tries to eat glass. I remember spending a few days at his mistress house. but most importantly I remember seeing my mom cry .I know those are just memories of the past, but they do mold you into the person that you are today. there are many memories i dont like to share with anyone, now i just try to accept why thing are the way they are, but as a kid the first 10 years of your life it's so impoartant. only good memories should you form. All is not lost, just when i thought my life couldn't get any worst, My mom came along and rescue me. we moved to tucson for about 3 months, there I had a chance to make a few friends, but then we moved to Hawaii for several years. There I remember making tons of friends. I remember being really happy for the first time in a very long time, it was while i was in 5th and 6th grade. I actualy made friends, I knew everyone and eveyone knew me, it doesn't matter if you are a boy or a girl. it was all just fun and play . and i was back with my mom and my sister where i belong, it was so much easier to make friends then. now people judges you before they even meet you. .....I know those are just the past, and i did learn alot from it, i know for sure that i could never treat any kid like the way i was treated. ...more later.

awhile ago, the aunt that i kinda lived with , yes that one that physically and emotionally abused me. asked my mother if she could sent her daughter here to go to school or something along that line or was asking for money.., I laughed, and simplely told my mom to tell her, I'm sorry i can not help you. well i guess what i really wanted to say was , not in your life time..bitch!! Its people like you that makes me wants to ....punch something...go fuck your self!!. My real dad, even had the nerve to ask my family for money, and my uncles and his wife even asked to "barrow" money "to open a store" they used to talk so much crap about our family and now they re asking for help. oh well, no time to worry about them now, those were nothing but the past. we all have had problems. those past memories effects me in ways i myself can't fully explain. It does make me feel an outcast and alone alot. being i was that way for 4 years. . but its all in my mind. I just got to get out and meet new people. Nothing Can't be fix. The past is the past..just let it be.
-Lack of skills
-

funny quote.

"they like to play games and get many guys wanting them so they can make up for their lack of self esteem"

I dream of becoming better at writing.